What makes a man marry several women?

Libido? Cupidity? Power (Clout) and Control, Social Status, Shortage of men, or simply because they can and the women allow it?

Your answer is as good as mine.

. . .

Polygamy is the act of marrying multiple spouses, simultaneously or sequentially, without first divorcing the other spouse.

Sociologists have different terms when the man marries multiple wives. The act is called polygyny; and polyandry when the woman marries multiple men.

The term globally used though is polygamy and it is widespread among men; rather than women. This blog prefers the term polygamy to polygyny.

Where is Polygamy Practiced?

While polygamy is illegal in most countries, it is still an act practiced in parts of Africa and Asia.

Polygamy was practiced up till 1993 in France! Click here for a list of countries’ current statuses on polygamy.

Justifications

Religion:

Religious reasons permit men to marry several wives. For example, the Islamic religious tenets permit men to marry a maximum of four wives, with a caveat that they can afford to take care of the women and treat them equally. However, I know tons of moslem men who can’t afford to marry one wife let alone four, but nonetheless indulge in polygamy.

Likewise, I have known devout moslem men, though rare, who married only one wife till death.

What is disturbing though is that Christian men also marry several wives! Granted that the Quran/Koran (Islamic sacred texts) permits the moslem men to engage in polygamous acts, there is nowhere in the Bible where it is written that a man can marry several wives. Some might want to exemplify Solomon or David or Abraham and his sons. Before you do, first, it was not a religious permission; the men chose to do it of themselves, and secondly, that was Old Testament (pre-Christ); and thirdly, please note that God did not sanction their actions.

The Mormon is another religion that allows polygamy.

To avoid mistresses

Some men justify the act of polygamy by claiming that it is better to marry the women rather than hiding to have mistresses outside the home. The sad truth is that the men still have mistresses anyways.

. . .

Another factor is that some women simply like to be “kept” women and be splurged with money and things. The men often pay the women’s rents or mortgages and everything else the women want and need.

Historical reasons

History tells us that men married several women in order to have help on the farm and in their businesses. Such that the children also were put to work prematurely.

Cultural pressures

Certain cultures pressure the man to take on other women for various reasons which include:

  1. if the woman suffers from infertility and is unable to bear children, or
  2. if the woman bears sole sexes (that is, all boys or all girls), or
  3. simply and wickedly to force the woman to succumb to the man’s family pressures to let her know that her in-laws still control the man and/or relegate the woman to an inferior position in her home!

Should the men alone be blamed?

Maybe the onus should be on the women? Why would any woman agree to be number 2, or 5, or infinite? Why would any woman, knowingly, still agree to marry a married man? What makes the woman think that she will be different? It is often a matter of time. Seems once the woman bears the children, the man is out fishing again for a younger or more beautiful woman, and the cycle continues.

. . .

While some younger women marry into polygamy because of wealth or fame, others do so because they believe that their marriageable years have eluded them.

I believe that there is a man for each woman. The gender ratio; that is, the ratio of male to female, according to world records is still insignificant. In 2019, female world data was 49.58%,, compared to 49.97% in 1960!

The above world data link is interactive. To compare the numbers for any given years, simply change the base year (in the picture below, it is 1960) and the comparable year (here it is 2019).

Polygamy is not a positive or progressive lifestyle. There’s a hypocritical living style where everyone claims to be happy, loving, and cordial with one another. The truth however is that none is as happy as they claim and everyone is fighting for the love and attention of the Patriarch who is often the glue holding the family together.

Even with maternal siblings (those who share the same mother), true love often seem to be lost or uncertain. Children are tagged as belonging to (or favored by) one parent rather than both parents. With this stance, the siblings are pitted against one another or against the other parent.

Is there any Derived Benefit(s)?

Frankly, the only beneficiary of polygamy is the man. He gets to have any woman any time he wants. He also tends to put the women on their toes competing for his attention, love, and/or money.

. . .

Seriously, though, there might be some benefits derived from polygamy. I do not however advocate this form of marriage.

A few derived benefits, if true love were possible and exists within the home and its members, are that each member of the family has unique strengths, gifts, and skill sets that can be (or should be) shared and would be beneficial to all. Rather than looking outside, family members can depend on one another for those resources they would otherwise pay for. Bottomline, there’s ample help to go round.

Downside of Polygamy

I sincerely believe that men who indulge in polygamy are inconsiderate and can be described as both selfish or self-centered as they only live to satisfy their libido regardless of the feelings of their wives or children. They are unable to love the women equally or unconditionally. It is a loveless full house! They also are ignorant of the possibilities of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). The children become their mothers’ responsibilities as they do not have the full attention of their dad. Unfortunately, the mothers find themselves becoming “forced” single parents as they, not both parents, are responsible for the upkeep of their children.

There’s chaos where the man, wives, and children all live under the same roof. I often wonder about the sleeping arrangements and who gets to sleep with the man daily. Would it be on a rotation-basis? Or would it solely be the youngest wife? Again, your guess is as good as mine.

There’s also immense and unhealthy competition among the wives and the children. Should one woman’s child or children succeed (or be more successful), the other wives and children become jealous and envious. This often leads to the Joseph-saga (in the Bible where Joseph who was loved by their dad became the envy of his siblings. They plotted to sell him as a slave and lied to their dad that an animal killed him – some of us will remember the story and its ending). Some households resort to occultism and fetishes against one another. This is barbaric.

In addition, the first wife, who often is the oldest woman, sadly has to live in silence watching her husband daily exhibits his machoism with the younger women. What mental torture!

Many homes have been split (if not destroyed) on the demise of the patriarch of the family.

Final word

Whatever the reason(s) men choose to marry several women, or women choose to marry an already-married man, just as technology presently is to the world and is still evolving, the idea (or act) of polygamy is archaic should be eradicated in this modern world and its future.

Women should resist the urge to be second or nth fiddle, as well as the pressure to marry an “already-married” man. Don’t give up ladies, your man will surely come. No marriage is without continuous work. There is a saying that goes, “one wife, one trouble!” Marrying multiple wives therefore equates multiple trouble irrespective of the family front that appears in public.

Men ought to know how to love and love well. There are abundant resources to help those who need the help. Love is a continuous work.

Women are better off marrying monogamously than polygamously; just pray that the right man seeks you out.

Men, on the other hand, should do their part to curb their libido and control their appetite for more. Resist the urge to jump in-and-out of love and beds!

My two cents. Thanks for reading.

Feel free to comment below and share.

Happy Father’s Day

Girl Daddy

Click here https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2019/06/father-day-celebrates-today-190616060505310.html for the history of Father’s Day

. . .

To all fathers worldwide
But particularly to fathers
in the countries celebrating Father’s Day today;

Thank you for the patriarchal leading
and gathering of all your children under your arms
That are so broad and strong
Yet so caring and stern

Thank you for your guidance
And protection;

For waking up early everyday
To bring home the bacon
So that your children and family
Will be sufficiently provided for
And not go without the necessities of life;
Thank you for the little extras you add
That makes you the special provider;

Thank you for all that you do
Which sometimes goes unappreciated
Yet you never stop giving and doing;

We pause today
To celebrate all that you represent
To let you know
How much we care, love, and appreciate you
We want to pause for you everyday
But wish that you weren’t so busy
We want to pause for you to rest
And wish that you will take of us the best

We want to pause for you today

For icecream and cake

Or golf

Or a walk with you in the garden

We want to pause for you
And shout it out loud
That you are the very best.

Happy Father’s Day
June 21, 2020

You simply are the BEST!

. . .

Happy Father’s Day
to the Father of all fathers
Whose attributes are a trillion times more than all the above
Who sits majestically on His Throne
Watching over his sons below
Guiding and directing their paths
So they can be all that He’s created them to be

We love you Our Father
Who art in heaven
We hallow your name
Today as always
And anticipate always
That Your Kingdom
Come now.
Thank you for truly being
The Omnipotent, Omniscient, and Omnipresent.
We love You Father

The Father of all fathers


Today and always;

Happy Father’s Day
June 21, 2020

Lion of The Tribe of Judah

Fifth

Still seems like yesterday

The Patriarch,
My Daddy, Our Daddy
One and Only True Dad;

🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Beloved
One like a million
Towering in death
As you were alive;

Forever remembered
Forever loved
Forever missed.

"To live in the hearts of those you love is never to die" - Thomas Campbell

Still can’t believe that you’re gone
Absent in the body,
Yet present with us daily in our hearts;

Still can’t believe it’s already five years
Yet still feels like yesterday;

You loved numerous things, Dad

If we could give everything you loved to have you back
We would
But we surrender to God Almighty
who knew best to receive you in His bosom

You lived a great life Dad
And we’re grateful for you
and the fourscore-plus years you were on planet earth;

To God be all the Glory
For in quiet confidence was always your strength;

The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years; ... Psalm 90:10

Glad you don’t have to worry about COVID-19,
Nor about the ongoing unrest;
As a Justice of Peace (JP),
I know you would have participated in the peaceful demonstrations,
Or called all parties together for a dialogue.

May your goodwill
Continue to reign and be cherished forever;
May your legacy never wane;

Your shoes are so hard to wear
The vacuum so hard to fill
We’ll continue to do our best
For you taught us well;

. . .

Say hello to your son, my brother, our brother OM
For we miss you both so
No one can your place take;

Forever remembered
Forever loved
Forever missed

Love you Daddy, our Patriarch!

Continue to rest in perfect peace.💙💙💙💙💙

The Patriarch Part 2

Photo by Mike on Pexels.com

Men ought to know

Men ought to know many things before they decide to marry. What men need to know before marriage is not taught in schools neither is how to treat women or the woman they marry.  So, who teaches men about relationships or marital responsibilities – Dads, Moms, uncles, mentors, government, neighbors, etc.? Should this be a shared responsibility or self-responsibility? I propose that it should be a shared responsibility.  Parents ought to take the primary lead of teaching and setting marital expectations for the man. The man, in turn, should explore other learning avenues such as reading books on marriage, counseling with religious leaders, and asking men (or women because each perspective is different) who have had successful marriages.   What do men do when there is no parental role model, or such role models are dysfunctional?

The Patriarch had no role model in any areas of his life. Remember, his dad died when he was six years old.  He does not even own a picture of his dad.  He was an only child at the time and had an uncle who wanted to act as a father but was both very controlling and envious of The Patriarch’s popularity, even as a child. 

Uncle BK (UBK), as he was known by all, did his best to belittle The Patriarch, but could not succeed.  He then resorted to using witchcraft and juju (fetish) on him.  The Patriarch once had a dream of Uncle BK coming into his bedroom to physically attack him. He woke up angry and shaking with rage narrating the attack and how he had to use everything in his bedroom (armchair, bathroom scale, telephone) to disarm the man. He wanted to call Uncle BK, but his mom prevented him from doing so. It will only worsen the already bad situation. The situation however worsened as other things happened in the natural that were considered spiritually evil.

What did he do to deserve these attacks?

One day, Patriarch’s driver arrived early to take his children to school. The school was one of the prestigious elementary schools about 35 miles away from home.  With traffic, the drive to school could take one to one-and-a-half hours. The Patriarch ensured that his children were never late to school and never received any tardy note.  As such, they always had to leave home much earlier.  Often, the children slept on their way to school.

On this day, as the driver was cleaning the car, he noticed some weird looking nails about 3-4” long, two each facing upwards in the front and back of each tire.  He put on a pair of gloves and carefully removed the nails.  If he hadn’t found those nails, all tires would have busted and probably caused extreme damages to not only the car but probably The Patriarch’s children.

Another car incident happened in The Patriarch’s hometown with his other driver.  On this day, about two days to his annual party, the driver found an enormous white egg in the trunk of The Patriarch’s Mercedes Benz.  What was the egg doing still right in the center of the trunk?  Again, the driver took the egg and threw it in a nearby bush. The explosion far exceeded what an egg sound could make.  Then there was smoke.

Another incident was when a long-legged bird with eyes as flaming red as fire visited the house and was pecking viciously at everything in its way.  The bird flew around the cars and house looking for an entry into The Patriarch’s home.  It took four men and about six hours to capture the bird.  Decisions as to what to do with the “evil” bird went back and forth. One said to burn it, another said no, kill it. Then another said, just keep it till The Patriarch wakes up.  Yet another said, no, The Patriarch must not see it.  Whatever! The children yelled at the driver to take them to school.  Before he left, the driver placed a huge wooden mortar over the bird and a huge rock over the mortar to prevent it from moving.  Eyewitnesses said the bird was still alive almost twelve hours after wrestling to escape from under the wooden mortar and rock!

Uncle BK made it known to everyone in the family that he was responsible for the many fetishes and that he wanted to know how “strong” The Patriarch was.  His mom begged him to be careful of Uncle BK.  

The last straw

On yet another incident, while awaiting the arrival of the then State Governor with his entourage, The Patriarch was merry with his friends who had gathered to welcome the Governor. Uncle BK also came to join them. The Patriarch beckoned the maid to bring a clean glass for UBK. UBK rejected the clean glass and insisted that he wants to use The Patriarch’s glass. His friends were puzzled and one of the friends asked UBK why. But The Patriarch asked his friends to chill and handed his drinking glass to UBK. UBK took the glass to his mouth oblivious of the stirs directed at him. He sipped a pill into the drink and handed it back to The Patriarch. As The Patriarch reached to take the glass, a couple of his friends jumped to snatch and probably knock it out of his hands because they all saw the pill when it was dropped and watch as it fizzled. Patriarch saw it too but kept his posture. He again called the maid and handed the glass to him. As the maid walked towards the kitchen, the glass cracked into his hands!

Everyone present was appalled that a family member could do such a thing to his nephew. The Patriarch was unperturbed. He stated that it was a distraction that will be dealt with later. He would not allow his focus to shift.

. . .

The Governor and his entourage did arrive. The Patriarch and his friends played host. But another commotion ensued afterward.

Your confidence can sometimes mislabel you

One’s confidence, looks, or personality can sometimes cause one to be unnecessarily mislabeled. Patriarch was a confident and hardworking man.  His personality betrays his meekness, humility, and loyalty such that he was a target of envy and jealousy.  Some think that he is arrogant and proud. Others would say that he was cocky. But secretly they all wished that they possessed his charisma and confidence.

He was appreciated more by distant friends and relatives than by his close friends and family.  Though hard to trust anyone, The Patriarch still led, helped, and provided not only for his family but also for his extended family.  He appeared to know what he wanted in life and would not allow anyone to distract him from getting those things.  

. . .

Brown Concrete House

He converted his home from a single-story four-room house to a two-story duplex.  The home at the back was dedicated to his mom, sister, and cousin.

Did I just say, his sister? Yes, The Patriarch had a sister born because of his mom being betrothed to his uncle!  What a culture?!  I hope that tradition is dead!

The Patriarch also remodeled the family home in his hometown.  Several years later he would buy himself land and build his custom home.

This custom home was controversial because the then government of the State would not allow him to add an overpass and, as such, the completion was unnecessarily delayed. In his country, homes are built cash, not financed, and within a short time.

While building, The Patriarch received an unusual visitor as he was leaving the site.  According to The Patriarch, his salutations to the visitor endeared them to each other such that the visitor had to confess his mission.  His mission was to visit the site to bury some more fetishes that would make it impossible for The Patriarch to ever complete the building.  After the exchange of pleasantries, the visitor then gave The Patriarch some advice as to how to proceed uninterrupted with the building.  The Patriarch’s new residence was finally completed with a house-warming party of well-wishers and naysayers.  His new residence is his pride and home of comfort. 

Love Your Life Clipboard Decor

The Patriarch grew up looking for love albeit in all the wrong directions. He loved the good things of life; fashion – both his native and western wears were always a statement, wristwatches (Rolex, Cartier, etc.), jewelry in all the carats, and shoes that shone you could see your teeth in them.  He also indulged in cars – like a collection.

The Patriarch always threw an annual party.  It was galore of food – cows, goats, chicken, fish dishes of every imaginable kind; drinks – beer, champagne, brandy, whiskey, liqueur; fashion, and the who-is-who in society.  The streets are blocked and, staged leading musicians, with their bands, on opposite ends of the streets, dishing out renditions of their latest songs.  Sometimes there is a third musician.  Even the musicians rally to be the lead for his parties.  Those parties were always a one-to-remember and talked about till the following year. 

He was not a politician, but he was a friend to both the ruling-party politicians and their opposition, as well as the government.  At times, it felt that the politicians reserved their best showdowns to be displayed at his party.

On one such party, his friend who was from the opposing political party, with his entourage, called to inform The Patriarch that he was on his way to his party. He had RSVP’d stating that he was unsure whether he would be able to attend. The phone call was received while UBK was performing his ugly deed. What would he do? He had no idea how nearby his friend and his entourage were as he forgot to ask amid the pandemonium. It is not uncommon for political figures, governors, as well as prominent people in his country to move about with entourages whether or not they were on official duties.

His friend arrived before the Governor. They took up the whole living room and stayed longer than necessary that The Patriarch had to call the Governor’s office to request that he come later. But the Governor’s Secretary announced that they were already on the way. The Patriarch could not ask his friend to leave; that would be rude and will affect their friendship.

The Governor and his entourage arrived and a message was sent to The Patriarch. As the message was given to him, his friend said, “Oh we’re ready to leave anyways.” It was a relief. But as he escorted them out, they had to walk by the Governor and his entourage. So, they did while his friends helped make them comfortable till The Patriarch’s return. It is customary for the Governor to show up and stay only for about 30 minutes to an hour. On this day, the Governor chose to stay only a few minutes. He was infuriated. He stated that the “clash of the titans” was planned to insult him and his entourage. The Patriarch, with his friends, profusely apologized to the Governor while letting him know that it was all impromptu. The lead musician for the night, who was privy to the happenings, started playing a calming apologetic song. As the song began, the Governor calmed and relaxed to enjoy the night.

He stopped by the bandstand to start the night party and left.

What a night. The party continued until the wee morning hours.

The Patriarch was up early the next day. After all the commotion, one would be surprised that he slept at all. He and his friends visited the Governor to once again apologize and appease him.