Of Marriage and Divorce

They found each other
after experiencing others

On the dating field of romance, heartaches, and false promises
No other could match up

It was nice that
They experienced those
Just to wait for each other
And to know that they wanted none of the others.

They were meant for each other forever
They were meant to be, to meet, and to enjoy the bliss
Just the two of them.

They wanted to stop the clock from chiming and telling them the day was over

Their beginning was beautiful
They started out right
Enjoyed each other’s arms and might
They couldn’t have enough of one another
As they wanted to make the most of the moments with each other.

He asked her before taking any action
And she loved waiting to hear his thoughts on her decisions.

Oh what a heaven on earth

They got married
And began doing life together

Marriage was beautiful
They couldn’t have asked for more or better

“Marriage is honourable in all ...”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭13:4‬ ‭KJV‬‬

On the outside
They were promising and progressive couples

On the inside
They were trying to maneuver
this thing called life and marriage
But at least they were trying.

Then, the children came
The friends’ list expanded
The in-laws visited
The families invited themselves
The neighbors stopped by

Some left as soon as they came
Some stayed a little longer than they wanted them to

But boy oh boy
Seemed a little of each of them left with their boundless guests.

Work got working
Babies got kicking
Bills got higher
Stress seeped in unannounced

Health gave them a notice
hey friends, you need to clean up your slates”

They got weary
And left life little things undone

And suddenly

She was hurting
But he couldn’t see the pain
He thought all that was now necessary was to work to pay the bills
What happened to their usual getaways
And the annual vacations
All seemed to have vanished

Why wasn’t she no longer enough for him
Why doesn’t he call her again when he’d be home late
Why leave her out in the cold
To follow others
Why are his eyes roaming around
when the peace is right beside him
And the beauty is inside his arms and house waiting for his arrival.

Weekends are spent away from each other
The one doing what he or she wants
Except for the children’s noises
One couldn’t tell there was any soul in the house.

The friends, in-laws, families, and neighbors who came are living happily
But alas they are both languishing in hurts, pains, and misery

You weren’t supposed to trade places

Those people now see them
And look the other way

Do they know a thing or more?

Oh honey
You two need to talk

And yes, they talked
but not to or with each other
They talked instead
to and with the friends, families, and guests
Those who no longer really know them
But who still viewed them as they once knew them

That was part of the problem
My friends.

So, one wrote a note to the other
Guess who did
But “oh you’re too late”
I filed for divorce
You’ll be getting it soon.

What happened
What happened to the bliss and laughters
What began sweet, beautiful, loving, and peaceful
Has disintegrated
To hatred, ill-wishes, and bickering

Families split
Friends taking sides
The children taking solace in other things than their loving parents.

You dropped the ball somehow

Is this the end?
Whoever said something good can’t last forever

Is there an avenue of escape
Why believe the lies
And think that the grass is greener elsewhere
Could it have been tuft
Or miracle gro
Or they did their part to water and nourish their garden daily?

If you can’t stop this from falling apart

My friends, you can’t stop any other.

The difference between
A successful marriage
And one ending in divorce
Are many

Ever heard of
Mutuality and Communication
And Value
That is, valuing each other over and above those people who aren’t really in it with you;
And Prioritizing
Friends, there’s a lot we can prioritize about each other;
Ever heard of Respect, too
Or Praying or Faith or Wisdom?
I’m sure you’ve heard
Of Love
Because you both started there
But my friends
Love is nothing
Without the other attributes
Together they make the difference between
Marriage and Divorce.

“... because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. ...”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭19:8-9‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Ladies and Their Last Names

Credits: Unsplash / @austinkirk

Is’t necessary for ladies to change their last name on marriage?

Credits: Unsplash / @beatriz_perez

First, what’s in a last name? Or, put another way, what’s in your last name? Some regions call it surname.

Your last name/surname is your legacy. Your DNA.

Traditions

In researching for this post, I found an article on the origin of last names. The article stated that

  1. People haven’t always had last names.
  2. China was one of the earliest civilizations to use surnames.
  3. For many years, surnames were passed down by mothers, and
  4. European last names had many sources which can be put into four groups: patronymic, locative, occupational or status, and nicknames.

Most cultures now take on their father’s last name. People change their first names all the time. I did legally from the long to the short form of my name. But it is rare to change one’s last name.

Marriage and Last Name

In several cultures, once married, ladies take on their husbands’ last name. But is’t necessary? When and where did it start? Does it have to continue unchanged forever? This is not about women’s lib. Let’s reason together. I think it is just a tradition that people are hard to let go of. Falls into the “it’s the way it’s done” and “we’ve always done it this way” kind. Read this article to find out more.

As I write this post, I remembered a guy who five years ago took on his new wife’s last name rather than follow tradition. Of course his family didn’t appreciate him doing that but … Initially, I also was apprehensive but later shrugged it off. Why not? Who says that it has to always be one way?

I recognize that some ladies will desire to change to their married name to showcase their new title/status. Society and sometimes the families (both the maiden and marital) insist that the lady change to her married name. If not, it is viewed as if the woman still wants to “roam the singles’ fields” and is not ready for marriage. That’s certainly not true. The change to marital name shouldn’t be mandated (or forced) for those who don’t desire it.

Divorce and Last Name

Noone married hopes for a divorce, but it happens. The after-divorce is one reason why some women retain their maiden name. Some might connote this as a self/fulfilling prophecy to which I disagree. On divorce, especially in a highly-contested one, the desire to continue to carry the name might not be present. Changing back the last name is easy, but it is a huge hassle to change one’s records (for example, career, academic, professional, credit, financial , etc.). It is not a one-time-take-care-of-it-all thing. You never know when you might have to prove your identity in the future because of the change. So what do ladies do? It’s the ladies’ choice. But if it causes disharmony, err on the side of peaceful agreement. An alternative is to use the maiden-married last name hopefully that soothes both parties,

Daughters of Daughters

Also, daughters easily lose their patronymic identity on marriage as a result of this tradition. What if those daughters bore more or only daughters? This might mean that the maiden last name might eventually be extinct. What do such daughters do? My suggestion is to include the mother’s maiden last name on their daughters (or even all children’s) birth certificates so the last name can continue and because it is an important part of their identity.

What are your thoughts on ladies maintaining their maiden last name, and continuing the legacy of the name, on marriage?