Of Fathers and Daughters: Part 2 – Girl Daddies

This is the continuation of the topic, Of Fathers and Daughters. This post focuses on the Fathers also known as (aka) Girl Daddies. The first part talked about the Daughters; Daddy’s Girls. Check it out here.

Girl Daddies

Girl Daddies are everywhere, among cultures, races, and industries, but was popularized on the death of Kobe and Gianna Bryant. Prior to their unfortunate demises, late Kobe was quoted to have called himself a Girl Dad during an interview he once had with Vox: “Girls are amazing,” he told the reporter. “I would have five more girls if I could. I’m a girl dad.”

I love the popularity (or movement) of Girl Daddies because it brought fathers and daughters to the forefront of the society and culture. A latent awareness of the equally important role of daughters and the fathers who are proud of, and supports, them publicly. Yet it is ironic that, on the same planet called Earth some nations and cultures are still not happy with the birth of their daughters and resorts to relegate or kill them!

Who is a Girl Daddy?

So what (or who) exactly is a Girl Daddy? I’m glad you asked again. You probably know one.

First and foremost, Girl Daddy is a father of girls and denotes a loving father’s public affection of his daughter. In a household of all female children, one is particularly acknowledged as the Daddy’s Girl. She’s the one who resembles him either facially or physically (includes mannerisms) and likes or does all that he likes and do.

The Urban Dictionary describes Girl Daddy as “father who wants his daughter (s) to have the same rights, opportunities, and privileges as any boy” and one who empowers his daughter to carry on his legacy

When the Dad shows “favoritism” to one daughter and the daughter reciprocates by showing interest in what he does, asking him questions especially of female-related issues rather than asking Mom, and wanting to “follow in his footsteps,” Daddy treats her as the son he never had.

Girl Daddy is super-protective of his daughter(s), desires that his daughter be tough, play football or rugby to demonstrate that she’s equally capable of any other sports or things that boys do, sometimes Girl Daddy drives their daughter(s) competitively too hard. They also “want to live through their daughter(s). Daddy’s Girls look for men with character traits as their Dad leading to the aphorism that “girls often marry their dads.”

Girl Daddy and Daddy’s Girl both have their privileges. For example, dating or being married to a Daddy’s Girl means that your girlfriend or wife understands you better, that the boyfriend or husband is fully aware that he cannot mistreat Daddy’s Girl and not see the wrath of her Father. Being a Girl Daddy means more loving and better open to understanding and supportive of feminine issues. Daddy’s Girl will always jump to help her boyfriend or husband to change a car tire or work on a house project such as building a shed or painting a room rather than watch or let him do it alone.

Ironically, there are still cultures who detest having girls. Even in the developed societies, some are still determined and sad for not having sons “to continue the legacy.” Some are also prone to thinking that the man is medically deficient for being unable to have sons.

Personally, I am happy to see the wave or movement of Girl Daddies. If nothing more, it cancels out the antiquated culture and thoughts of disillusionment of bearing girls.

If you’re a man reading this post and have daughters, I hope that you see the good in girls, love your daughters, and wear your label of Girl Daddy with pride.

To the rest of us, I hope we support and continue to love all girls, daughters, and Girl Daddies.

Of Fathers and Daughters: Part 1 – Daddy’s Girls

Know any man who adores his daughter such that not only his whole family (immediate and extended) knows it, but his friends and the world are equally aware of the father-daughter lovely relationship? Such was the love that occurred between late and former NBA Laker Star Kobe Bryant and his daughter, Gianna. Such love is uncommon in a nation known for absent Dads. The beloved duo popularized “Girl Daddy” title for father-daughter relationships.

We’ve also heard Daddy’s Girl which refers to the daughters who are known as Dad’s favorites.

People often say that parents love a particular child over another. I don’t necessarily subscribe to that notion. Even if it is so, parents ought to be wise to not allow it to be apparent as it might breed sibling jealousy, rivalry, and competition. And who knows what else. Joseph’s story and the proverbial “coat of many colors” in the Bible is a true instance.

Good traits of being a Daddy’s Girl

Daddy’s Girl’s are blessed to have a first-hand knowledge and experience of what a man is and can be. Because of their closeness to their dad, Daddy Girls learn firsthand about men; what they do and how they do that which they do. They’d rather prefer to help their dad wash the cars and fix a tire, help with picking up and holding the tools ready to be used, than be in the kitchen with their mommas. Being in the kitchen bores Daddy’s Girls and they don’t understand why meals have to take so long to prepare. “Why don’t we just order pizza?!” is a constant question to their Moms. They are most likely to lean towards studying courses and careers that have been tagged “traditionally male-dominated.” They are also more comfortable in the boys group than their own gender types and have more male than female friends. Whoever said that roles, or anything, should be gender-based anyways? Except, of course being pregnant. They excel in technical and practical projects and activities where other girls fail. In essence, Daddy’s Girls are also no-nonsense strong girls who also grow up to be strong ladies and women. They are unafraid to lead a movement against injustice of any kind. All you need is their buy-in. They are extremely loyal, confident, and independent.

Downsides

Daddy’s Girls can however be plagued with relationship difficulties with both their female counterparts and in marriage. They relate on different planes with their girlfriends, are not girly-girls, feel that girly-girls are too touchy, too vain, and narrow-minded. They also often are perceived as harsh. They can also have difficulties in marriage because they don’t wait on, and for, their husbands to take care of things. They climb the ladder to change the bulb and know how to free the blocked toilet. The husband doesn’t understand why his Daddy-girl-wife wouldn’t cook home meals and prefers to dine out or order pizza. He feels she’s “wasting” money. It is a good thing to be proactive, but Daddy Girl’s proactivity might rub off wrongly on an insecure hubby who might feel that Daddy’s Girl is competing with his turf. Hubby’s insecurity will mar what otherwise could have been a God-sent gift to his life and might lead to or create issues in the marriage. At home, they appear to be competing with their Mom and tend to criticize their mother more than they do their dads. Worse if the woman is a step-mom, it will always be tension and unnecessary conflicts.

Daddy Girls are often misunderstood especially in traditional role environments and cultures and, even in liberal settings, they might be misconstrued as weird. Their “interests are at odds with expected female personality” roles.

Outcomes for misunderstanding Daddy’s Girls

With relationship difficulties, Daddy Girls can coil inwards and start believing the lies that something is actually wrong with their wiring. Except they are wired strong and “unbreakable,” these lies might actually come true and manifest in depression or anxiety or both with its resultant effects on other areas of their lives. They lose friends and wonder why nobody understands them. If no affirmation is received soonest, they might take solace in drugs and or drinking.

Finally

Daddy Girls are everywhere but they are more noticeable in households with predominantly daughters.

Next time you befriend or marry a Daddy’s Girl, please show more love and understanding. They are who they are because of divine wiring; snap a cord out of their wires, and they will be less and disoriented. But understanding them and allowing them to be will bring out the best in them. Build them up and support who they are, but please don’t crush their spirit.

Where would we be without the courage of Daddy’s Girls who have defied traditional stereotypes of daughters and risen to various levels of leadership. Look around and you can distinguish them by the foregoing.

To be continued

Of Girls and Daughters

Why do nations and parents treat or elevate boys over girls, sons over daughters, or males over females? Do they think that The Creator made a mistake?

The One who made them, made them male and female. At creation, He did not state nor gave a divine preference or importance for their roles. Granted that by virtue of their physical creation, familial roles differ, as in only women can be pregnant with the child.

I’m tired and sad of hearing nations that relegate girls, and publicly elevate sons over daughters, humiliating them and, sadder, hearing of the girls’ parents who agree with the labels for their daughters.

There have been nations known for killing girls at birth (gendercide or infanticide). This is murder and perpetrators should be reported to higher nations/organizations such as United Nations. Google to find and read more if interested.

Let’s talk about this and how we can change the ignorance.

This post was inspired by The Mind of Ayesha. I was touched by Ayesha’s post “I Live In One Of The Worst Countries For WomenPakistan.” Please visit her site and support if you choose.

My Own

I also had my own experience still as fresh today as when my beloved late Dad once told me that “no matter my level of education, I will end up in kitchen because that’s the woman’s place.” Who says? I’ve known men who cook equally as great and delicious a meal as women. There are great male chefs out there who will choose to be in their kitchen instead of their wives. Please don’t judge my late Dad in his grave. I loved my Dad and believed that he loved me, but also believed that his statement came from a place of ignorance, machoism, and traditions.

I have two daughters and have never thought that I lacked anything not having a son. I love them dearly and will never trade them for anything. I boldly state that I don’t miss not having a son. The thought never crossed my mind until about two years ago, when one of my brothers, who has two sons, asked me if I ever missed not having a son. Prior to that, noone had ever asked me the question nor had I ever thought of it. It came in one ear and slid out the other until this post. We have to be careful of agreeing with seeds of regrets, doubts, and confusion. If I had harbored the thought, my brother’s question could have triggered these trio and probably boomeranged into more unhealthy thoughts of insufficiency for not having had a son. But thank goodness, the question fell off the same way it came.

To The Nations

To the nations that treat girls as second-class

  1. Where would all mothers be without those girls who will grow up to become mothers some day?
  2. Do you realize that this stance might conjure the boys in your nation to grow into men who don’t respect women, and who in turn will (or not) treat their wives respectfully, and thus breed a revolving cycle of dysfunctions?
  3. Look unto all girls as “your” mother and treat them with love and respect.

To The Parents

To the girls’ parents, home is the first place where we all learn love, acceptance, and affirmations. You are the best support system your daughters can ever have. If you reject them at home because of their sex, it’s as if they should never have been born, you’ve let them down and have set them up for failure. They will experience rejection in the cause of their lives. This can evolve into a self-esteem issue, confusion, and a lack of knowledge (or grounding) in who they truly are. Which in turn breeds a revolving circle of other emotions. Your daughters will have to relearn and develop themselves as adults. Please support your girls. Your support super-exceeds your nation’s and is the best foundation to give to your daughters..

To The Rest of Us

To everyone else, we all either have a sister, a mother, an aunt or have a family member or friend who does. As such we need to speak up and out in support of girls. All children are important and born equal. Keeping quiet only quietly perpetuates the ‘cide. It’s only a matter of time before your silence directly impacts you.

What steps can we take to change this ignorance? Speak up.

What causes the elevation of boys over girls and sons over daughters? Ignorance

What is the cure for ignorance?
Education.

To Every Girl and Daughter

To every girl and daughter everywhere, know and believe that:

You are beautiful and wonderfully created
You are first-class with distinction, summa cum laude; not second or rear-class
You are worthy and needed
You matter and the world needs you
God loves you
I love you too.

What makes a man marry several women?

Libido? Cupidity? Power (Clout) and Control, Social Status, Shortage of men, or simply because they can and the women allow it?

Your answer is as good as mine.

. . .

Polygamy is the act of marrying multiple spouses, simultaneously or sequentially, without first divorcing the other spouse.

Sociologists have different terms when the man marries multiple wives. The act is called polygyny; and polyandry when the woman marries multiple men.

The term globally used though is polygamy and it is widespread among men; rather than women. This blog prefers the term polygamy to polygyny.

Where is Polygamy Practiced?

While polygamy is illegal in most countries, it is still an act practiced in parts of Africa and Asia.

Polygamy was practiced up till 1993 in France! Click here for a list of countries’ current statuses on polygamy.

Justifications

Religion:

Religious reasons permit men to marry several wives. For example, the Islamic religious tenets permit men to marry a maximum of four wives, with a caveat that they can afford to take care of the women and treat them equally. However, I know tons of moslem men who can’t afford to marry one wife let alone four, but nonetheless indulge in polygamy.

Likewise, I have known devout moslem men, though rare, who married only one wife till death.

What is disturbing though is that Christian men also marry several wives! Granted that the Quran/Koran (Islamic sacred texts) permits the moslem men to engage in polygamous acts, there is nowhere in the Bible where it is written that a man can marry several wives. Some might want to exemplify Solomon or David or Abraham and his sons. Before you do, first, it was not a religious permission; the men chose to do it of themselves, and secondly, that was Old Testament (pre-Christ); and thirdly, please note that God did not sanction their actions.

The Mormon is another religion that allows polygamy.

To avoid mistresses

Some men justify the act of polygamy by claiming that it is better to marry the women rather than hiding to have mistresses outside the home. The sad truth is that the men still have mistresses anyways.

. . .

Another factor is that some women simply like to be “kept” women and be splurged with money and things. The men often pay the women’s rents or mortgages and everything else the women want and need.

Historical reasons

History tells us that men married several women in order to have help on the farm and in their businesses. Such that the children also were put to work prematurely.

Cultural pressures

Certain cultures pressure the man to take on other women for various reasons which include:

  1. if the woman suffers from infertility and is unable to bear children, or
  2. if the woman bears sole sexes (that is, all boys or all girls), or
  3. simply and wickedly to force the woman to succumb to the man’s family pressures to let her know that her in-laws still control the man and/or relegate the woman to an inferior position in her home!

Should the men alone be blamed?

Maybe the onus should be on the women? Why would any woman agree to be number 2, or 5, or infinite? Why would any woman, knowingly, still agree to marry a married man? What makes the woman think that she will be different? It is often a matter of time. Seems once the woman bears the children, the man is out fishing again for a younger or more beautiful woman, and the cycle continues.

. . .

While some younger women marry into polygamy because of wealth or fame, others do so because they believe that their marriageable years have eluded them.

I believe that there is a man for each woman. The gender ratio; that is, the ratio of male to female, according to world records is still insignificant. In 2019, female world data was 49.58%,, compared to 49.97% in 1960!

The above world data link is interactive. To compare the numbers for any given years, simply change the base year (in the picture below, it is 1960) and the comparable year (here it is 2019).

Polygamy is not a positive or progressive lifestyle. There’s a hypocritical living style where everyone claims to be happy, loving, and cordial with one another. The truth however is that none is as happy as they claim and everyone is fighting for the love and attention of the Patriarch who is often the glue holding the family together.

Even with maternal siblings (those who share the same mother), true love often seem to be lost or uncertain. Children are tagged as belonging to (or favored by) one parent rather than both parents. With this stance, the siblings are pitted against one another or against the other parent.

Is there any Derived Benefit(s)?

Frankly, the only beneficiary of polygamy is the man. He gets to have any woman any time he wants. He also tends to put the women on their toes competing for his attention, love, and/or money.

. . .

Seriously, though, there might be some benefits derived from polygamy. I do not however advocate this form of marriage.

A few derived benefits, if true love were possible and exists within the home and its members, are that each member of the family has unique strengths, gifts, and skill sets that can be (or should be) shared and would be beneficial to all. Rather than looking outside, family members can depend on one another for those resources they would otherwise pay for. Bottomline, there’s ample help to go round.

Downside of Polygamy

I sincerely believe that men who indulge in polygamy are inconsiderate and can be described as both selfish or self-centered as they only live to satisfy their libido regardless of the feelings of their wives or children. They are unable to love the women equally or unconditionally. It is a loveless full house! They also are ignorant of the possibilities of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). The children become their mothers’ responsibilities as they do not have the full attention of their dad. Unfortunately, the mothers find themselves becoming “forced” single parents as they, not both parents, are responsible for the upkeep of their children.

There’s chaos where the man, wives, and children all live under the same roof. I often wonder about the sleeping arrangements and who gets to sleep with the man daily. Would it be on a rotation-basis? Or would it solely be the youngest wife? Again, your guess is as good as mine.

There’s also immense and unhealthy competition among the wives and the children. Should one woman’s child or children succeed (or be more successful), the other wives and children become jealous and envious. This often leads to the Joseph-saga (in the Bible where Joseph who was loved by their dad became the envy of his siblings. They plotted to sell him as a slave and lied to their dad that an animal killed him – some of us will remember the story and its ending). Some households resort to occultism and fetishes against one another. This is barbaric.

In addition, the first wife, who often is the oldest woman, sadly has to live in silence watching her husband daily exhibits his machoism with the younger women. What mental torture!

Many homes have been split (if not destroyed) on the demise of the patriarch of the family.

Final word

Whatever the reason(s) men choose to marry several women, or women choose to marry an already-married man, just as technology presently is to the world and is still evolving, the idea (or act) of polygamy is archaic should be eradicated in this modern world and its future.

Women should resist the urge to be second or nth fiddle, as well as the pressure to marry an “already-married” man. Don’t give up ladies, your man will surely come. No marriage is without continuous work. There is a saying that goes, “one wife, one trouble!” Marrying multiple wives therefore equates multiple trouble irrespective of the family front that appears in public.

Men ought to know how to love and love well. There are abundant resources to help those who need the help. Love is a continuous work.

Women are better off marrying monogamously than polygamously; just pray that the right man seeks you out.

Men, on the other hand, should do their part to curb their libido and control their appetite for more. Resist the urge to jump in-and-out of love and beds!

My two cents. Thanks for reading.

Feel free to comment below and share.

Why does God allow good people to die sooner and allow the wicked to live?

Father God forgive me as I write this because you expect me to know better. But, sometimes I don’t. This instance is one of those times that it’s still hard to swallow.

Sorry that I sound like a child when I should be talking like your mature daughter. But there are times the kid in us rears its head and one who is known for wisdom talks or acts foolishly.

Forgive me Father God.

It’s been five years since you allowed my brother, MO, to depart this world.

It still hurts like it happened yesterday for he was taken in his prime.

My brother, you’ll forever be missed. I “slept all these years” hoping that it would be a dream for the grief was too deep.

But alas I had to wake up and accept that you’re really no longer present with us.

To be absent in the body, is to be present with the Lord

2 Corinthians 5:8

I take solace in the fact that God knows best and that you’re at peace; no more striving.

I miss you dearly, my brother. You were one of a kind; the family reconciler; Dad’s right-hand man; kind-hearted; always going the extra mile for anyone in need; you were a friend indeed and a loving father.

Let the wicked repent

I remember your statement when Grandma died. You said, “the wicked has done their worst, Mama lived 101 years on earth.”

I pondered on it and finally understood what you meant.

Well, may the wicked never die again. Sarcastic. Should they not repent and turn from their wicked ways, may they be like chaff before the wind and may the angels of the Lord drive them out. (Isaiah 17:13)

We all miss you.

Continue to rest in peace.

Housewife – Part Two: To be or not to be

This is a second part of the blog series Housewife. In my previous blog, [Housewife: A Case for the Title], I made a case for the housewife and included the benefits and disadvantages of being one. As stated in that blog, being a housewife is a choice just like any other career. But the career of a housewife falls under the nonprofit sector; whereas most careers are for-profit. The main difference being that the nonprofit careers come with salaries and some perks and benefits that are short compared to the private sector’s. However, being a housewife has neither salary nor perks.

Read along as I make another case for ladies/women who desire to be housewives advising them to critically scrutinize some side-issues before making the decision. Did I hear you mutter ”what’s she talking about now; she’s contradicting herself?!” No, I’m not. I just want to offer a deeper and often overlooked challenge of being a housewife. So, let’s talk about the other side of being a housewife.

. . .

A familiar scenario

John and Jane were happily married and looked like every inch of an ideal power couple which they were. John had a great job as an engineer in one of the top engineering companies in the City. They went on various vacations and short trips and all seemed well. They live in a nice home on the outskirts of Chicago. They have nice cars too; John drives a BMW 5i and Jane an Acura SUV. Within five years, they have had two kids. After the birth of the second child, it was harder for Jane to return to her job as a banker. They both decided that Jane stay home to care for their children. Jane agreed and began her career as a housewife. Within a few years of that decision, the impact of Jane’s salary was obvious and felt very hard. Jane couldn’t have new clothes, shoes, visit the salon, nail shop, or the massage/spa; all of which were regulars when she worked. Now with two kids, all funds and attention were focused on the children’s planning and saving for college. Meanwhile, John could purchase a shirt/pant or two occasionally to maintain his professional look. The vacations were relegated to the neighboring parks and their parents. It didn’t take long for Jane to start resenting the decision to be a housewife. 

Get it in writing

The mistake she, and other women, make is that they ignored the blindsides. They also agreed to the career choice of a housewife without a written contract or agreement. A mutual oral agreement is great as long as everyone is good, happy with one another, and/or life, and everything is going great. An oral agreement can however be denied, misunderstood, and orally revoked by either or both parties. What then is her recourse? 

In the above instance, Jane’s banker career was temporarily terminated. Should she return to the banking industry, her skills could be deemed obsolete and she would in essence have to start afresh depending on how long she was absent from the industry or she may have to switch careers.

Falling out of love?

Another often overlooked issue, but extremely important, of being a housewife is that of falling out of love, which is sometimes inevitable else there would be no divorce rates at all. Falling out of love often leads to divorce. I don’t pray that anyone’s marriage end in divorce but the cold truth is that every marriage has a 50% probability of ending that way irrespective of the length of the marriage. We hear and see this all the time and everywhere; particularly in Hollywood!

. . .

I digress to congratulate couples whose marriages have stood the test of time and are still flaming the love fire several years after tying the knot. Kudos to you. We acknowledge that you had to put some work into sustaining your marriage. This will be a blog for another day.

. . .

Consider a financial footing

In our instance, should the marriage lead to a divorce, Jane will have no financial footing to pursue her side of the legality as she has no she-money. Yes, she might borrow from her parents and/or friends except, of course, she lives in a community property state that could award her half of the joint property and assets in a court judgment. The community award however will be after the divorce process. But she might be cash-strapped during the whole process.

A few bad men however have also been known to hide money and properties in a divorce. Without her own money, the woman has no way of investigating the act(s) should she unfortunately be in such a situation.

. . .

My advice to women is to ensure that the decision to be a housewife is

  1. Mutually agreed
  2. Communicated; not orally but written
  3. If possible with terms and conditions; for example, the woman takes a me-time/day for herself to rest and rejuvenate. On such times/days, the man/husband takes over the duties/chores and not leave them till the woman returns; and most importantly,
  4. That the woman has her funds either by working from home for a few hours or some funds be allocated to her from the joint account.

The fourth point above is from a realistic and practical point of view rather than from a women’s liberation standpoint. Every woman needs her-own money for simply feminine things; for example, buying sanitary items, attending events like birthday parties, or fixing her hair, and pampering herself. Kate Bahn, an economist, agrees as she found out when she took a year off, not for housekeeping, but to complete her dissertation quicker. Read her story here:  https://www.theguardian.com/money/2014/aug/19/women-finance-housewife-control-money

Ladies, next time the decision “to be or not to be a housewife” comes up, Think-Talk is expecting that you will thoroughly consider every aspect of the non-profit career before saying Yes. It’s called loving smart 🙂