Ladies, Never Pursue a Man!

youtube.com/watch

Don’t shoot me, please. Yes, I’m not your Mama, but as a mother of two inwardly-beautiful young ladies (to God’s Glory), I’m also concerned as this man, R.C. Blakes, is. I just found and watched his video, totally resonate with all he says, and I believe it’s apropos to share.

Though it’s addressed to all ladies who exhibit the character, I specifically would advise all young ladies to watch it.

In Gottfried’s word and world, I might be trying to control the world. (smile). But in my world, we are all responsible for cultivating the land for habitation. If you believe that “it takes the village to raise the child,” you would agree.

God has given each one of us an area (or piece) of land here on earth to cultivate. As such what I am interested in and passionate about will differ from yours, but we might have a group of individuals so assigned to the same land.

Yes, I know we live in a culture of extreme freedom (everything is free-for-all, or so we think.). But, hey, No! Else, why have laws. For example, being free to drive does not compel me to drive at age 10 or 12. Neither does it compel me to drive and crash into other people or their cars on the freeway. If I choose to, I should be ready to face the consequences, right; the consequences of which might include financial compensation or suspension of the driving license. So freedom is not totally free but limited to some extent.

What does that have to do with the video and/or ladies? Well, watch the video to find out.

It’s disheartening to listen and/or watch young ladies act “desperate for love.” There are several reasons this might occur.

Reasons why ladies might

The first that comes to mind is what I first heard in the charismatic (Pentecostal) churches termed “daddy issues.” This term indicates that a lady is suffering from (or exhibiting behaviors as a result of) the lack of a father in their lives. The father might be present in the house, but sadly only as a figurehead and one who is distant and does not interact with his daughters on a father-daughter level. So the daughter grows up looking for love in all the wrong places, suffers hurt and rejection in her relationships as a result of not having being taught or learned from the man (dad) in her life, goes from one guy to the other, and eventually starts wondering why or that something(s) are wrong with her life.

Whether the term is right, true, or not, the symptoms sure shows that some thing(s) might be psychologically amiss.

Another reason, not unconnected with the first, is that the lady may have low self esteem or an esteem not rightly developed to the level it ought to have.

Yet another reason is that some young ladies, despite all the training and economics given at home, they grow up (or want to grow up) too fast and discard them to follow the “fast-tracklifestyle. They misconstrue a guy wanting to have sex with them as loving them and/or think that by saying yes to every sex, the guy will love them more or keep coming back. Each scenario is a fantasy and leads to heartaches by the third-to-fifth sex or guy!

Some ladies just want a man at all cost.

Some have a boyfriend but don’t know how to sustain the relationship and thus loses the boy/guy.

Another common reason is ladies watch how their friends have boyfriends, are dating, and/or changing boyfriends one after the other yet they don’t have one. FOMO (fear of missing out) seeps in and they resort to chasing guys instead of continuing to wait to be asked out.

Final thoughts

The video also provide examples of how to go about attracting a guy who’s interested in the lady.

Call me old fashioned, I still believe that the man ought to search the lady out. How about you and why? Leave your answer in the Comments if you please.

My greatest heart desire (prayer) is that every young lady desiring love will surely be found out by their true love. It is when we get it out of order that we fall into the wrong relationship.

Unrequited Love

Credits: Unsplash / S. Ruvalcaba

How do you feel when you love someone who does not love you back? Thanks to Think Written for the writing prompt.

Love ought to be reciprocal. Yes? Right? Remember Teddy Pendergrass’s 50/50 (or is’t 70/30 or 60/40) love song? Who wants to be the one holding on to the 30 or 40 in a relationship when better is imminent or probable? Only a few exceptional instances will qualify; like a parental love. Even at that, some parents have been known to be justifiably callous or exercised tough love. (A post for another day.)

For today’s post, Unrequited love in any relationship sucks.

Sometimes we equate love for all the other things such as infatuation, lust, passion, crush, or simply lasciviousness. These can emanate from one or both people and we eventually find ourselves in unrequited love.

Unrequited love in any relationship sucks and is a mental torture.

ThinkerTalker

It may have begun as a requited affair or of mutual consent, but along the way, things and life happened, people changed and eyes strayed elsewhere, and left our love unrequited. It becomes troubling. Gazillion questions run amok in our minds chiefly resting on two “what did I do to deserve this or the change and straying?” and “where did I go wrong?”

Effects of Unrequited Love

The receiving person (of the unrequited love) does what most people do; internalizes, withdraws, and blames self for the other person’s unbecoming attitude. Unfortunately, the embarrassment is blatant to all leaving one feeling unworthy, sapped confidence from ours and others reactions, and our esteem turning low. We feel deserted, betrayed, and left alone to deal with it. You got yourself into the situation, now how do you get yourself out?

What do you do?

What do you do? Do you stay put trying to win the other person back, make excuses, or do you leave with or without packing your bags and say “hasta la vista?!”

Is it escapism or humanism to blame ourselves for other people’s shortcomings? Is it as a first stop of self-reflection or second-guessing ourselves that we are less deserving of better? Everyone reacts differently. However you react and whatever it is,

  1. First admit your part – how you got into the relationship. It’s time for deep reflection. Most often, the handwritings were on the wall, but passion or desire blindfolded you from clarity,
  2. Ask for forgiveness. It is the first step to wholeness. Better yet, forgive the other person because it is only then you can be objective in moving forward.
  3. Ask God for help. You need Him more now than ever. It’s definitely not a time to be mad at God. “Why didn’t He stop me?” “Why did he allow me?” Or better still, “why didn’t he knock him/her on the head to wake up?” Remember, or if you don’t already know, there’s the permissible will of God where He allows us to do what we desire as a result of our resistance to where He’s steering us.
  4. Ask family and friends also for help. Still, it’s not the time to be mad at them for not telling you. There’s another time for that.
  5. Don’t run (or jump) prematurely into another relationship.
  6. Give yourself time to heal. It is only then that you will most likely not repeat the experience.
  7. And finally, be wise and seek God before starting or getting into the next relationship.

I am so grateful that God is not a man.

Unrequited Love towards God

Now imagine how Father God, your Creator feels when His love is either ignored, unwarranted , or unembraced. Lack-luster love towards God is the epitome of unrequited love. We’ve given Him no love at all, while some have only given Him the minimal. God is holding on to the 30 and 40 of our love while wishing you’d give Him the 100. Yet He loves us so.

But I am glad that God does not abandon us when His love is unrequited. Every other unrequited love pales significantly in comparison. God is there all along patiently waiting for the day we will wake up to realism (the doctrine that universals have a real objective existence) and our need of Him.

Wake up or Woke

And so it is as well when we find ourselves in earthly unrequited love. We allow ourselves to go roller-coasting through all the e-motions until realization steps in. We can humbly or boldly state that “I’m better than this and deserve the best.”

So whosoever is not returning your love, woke or wake up, and know that you deserve better. There might be a reason. Maybe it is the “invisible hands” blocking him/her from seeing the beauty (I don’t mean the physical/facial) God created and he/she is being prevented from blocking your real soulmate. Just maybe because all things are working together for your good.

Remember God loves you unconditionally. He loves you today, loved you yesterday, and will love you forever. Embrace His love today and now. He is waiting on you to return His love; turning the unrequited to Requited Love. Isn’t that what we all desire?

Have you experienced unrequited love (loving someone who doesn’t love you back) and would like to share? Please do so in the comments. Thanks

Of Fathers and Daughters: Part 1 – Daddy’s Girls

Know any man who adores his daughter such that not only his whole family (immediate and extended) knows it, but his friends and the world are equally aware of the father-daughter lovely relationship? Such was the love that occurred between late and former NBA Laker Star Kobe Bryant and his daughter, Gianna. Such love is uncommon in a nation known for absent Dads. The beloved duo popularized “Girl Daddy” title for father-daughter relationships.

We’ve also heard Daddy’s Girl which refers to the daughters who are known as Dad’s favorites.

People often say that parents love a particular child over another. I don’t necessarily subscribe to that notion. Even if it is so, parents ought to be wise to not allow it to be apparent as it might breed sibling jealousy, rivalry, and competition. And who knows what else. Joseph’s story and the proverbial “coat of many colors” in the Bible is a true instance.

Good traits of being a Daddy’s Girl

Daddy’s Girl’s are blessed to have a first-hand knowledge and experience of what a man is and can be. Because of their closeness to their dad, Daddy Girls learn firsthand about men; what they do and how they do that which they do. They’d rather prefer to help their dad wash the cars and fix a tire, help with picking up and holding the tools ready to be used, than be in the kitchen with their mommas. Being in the kitchen bores Daddy’s Girls and they don’t understand why meals have to take so long to prepare. “Why don’t we just order pizza?!” is a constant question to their Moms. They are most likely to lean towards studying courses and careers that have been tagged “traditionally male-dominated.” They are also more comfortable in the boys group than their own gender types and have more male than female friends. Whoever said that roles, or anything, should be gender-based anyways? Except, of course being pregnant. They excel in technical and practical projects and activities where other girls fail. In essence, Daddy’s Girls are also no-nonsense strong girls who also grow up to be strong ladies and women. They are unafraid to lead a movement against injustice of any kind. All you need is their buy-in. They are extremely loyal, confident, and independent.

Downsides

Daddy’s Girls can however be plagued with relationship difficulties with both their female counterparts and in marriage. They relate on different planes with their girlfriends, are not girly-girls, feel that girly-girls are too touchy, too vain, and narrow-minded. They also often are perceived as harsh. They can also have difficulties in marriage because they don’t wait on, and for, their husbands to take care of things. They climb the ladder to change the bulb and know how to free the blocked toilet. The husband doesn’t understand why his Daddy-girl-wife wouldn’t cook home meals and prefers to dine out or order pizza. He feels she’s “wasting” money. It is a good thing to be proactive, but Daddy Girl’s proactivity might rub off wrongly on an insecure hubby who might feel that Daddy’s Girl is competing with his turf. Hubby’s insecurity will mar what otherwise could have been a God-sent gift to his life and might lead to or create issues in the marriage. At home, they appear to be competing with their Mom and tend to criticize their mother more than they do their dads. Worse if the woman is a step-mom, it will always be tension and unnecessary conflicts.

Daddy Girls are often misunderstood especially in traditional role environments and cultures and, even in liberal settings, they might be misconstrued as weird. Their “interests are at odds with expected female personality” roles.

Outcomes for misunderstanding Daddy’s Girls

With relationship difficulties, Daddy Girls can coil inwards and start believing the lies that something is actually wrong with their wiring. Except they are wired strong and “unbreakable,” these lies might actually come true and manifest in depression or anxiety or both with its resultant effects on other areas of their lives. They lose friends and wonder why nobody understands them. If no affirmation is received soonest, they might take solace in drugs and or drinking.

Finally

Daddy Girls are everywhere but they are more noticeable in households with predominantly daughters.

Next time you befriend or marry a Daddy’s Girl, please show more love and understanding. They are who they are because of divine wiring; snap a cord out of their wires, and they will be less and disoriented. But understanding them and allowing them to be will bring out the best in them. Build them up and support who they are, but please don’t crush their spirit.

Where would we be without the courage of Daddy’s Girls who have defied traditional stereotypes of daughters and risen to various levels of leadership. Look around and you can distinguish them by the foregoing.

To be continued

The D-Day has come and gone – 2

Credits: NBC

[Last paragraph from the previous post:]

The Constitution of the United States of America states that “the results won’t be official until each state fully canvasses and certifies its presidential election results, which occurs on a different timeline in every state.” The Electoral College has to declare the Presidential winner after the electors vote on December 14. The votes have also been recounted and, yes, some have reaffirmed Joe Biden as the winner. But it’s not final until the Electoral College’s proclamation and Donald Trump’s concession. All eyes and ears will be fixed on December 14.

But, wait a minute.

. . .

Did anyone think

Did anyone think to ask “why has the Associated Press (AP) declared Joe Biden and Kamala Harris the winner; replicating and reiterating Hilary Clinton’s victory presumptuously in 2016?!”

But, wait a minute

What if …

What if, come December 14, the Electoral College, after casting their votes, reverses the presumed JB-KH victory?

What if this was all to teach Donald Trump a lesson in humility? Okay, yay, YOU can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but GOD can.

But, what if truly the alleged fraud was detected? What if the Electoral College’s vote on December 14 overturns the presently assumed winner? How would we all handle it? Undoubtedly, we cannot as a nation afford another unrest. I pray that there will be peace irrespective of the outcome.

What if we all said though Donald Trump does not deserve my vote, I’m willing to give him another chance? Hey, don’t shut me down – I’m just a messenger.

Several other what-if scenarios, but that’s not the point of this post.

. . .

The D-Day has come and gone; yet the presidency (or is’t the President) is still hanging, and the presumed winner Joe Biden is already selecting his proposed cabinet.

. . .

The Point is …

The point of this post is to actually reveal ourselves to ourselves! How hard-hearted everyone has been towards Mr. (Incumbent President) Donald Trump. Or is’t a matter of politicking at its best (or worst depending on your view!)

Two wrongs not a right make! We all, on one hand, profess good, love, forgiveness, positivity, and whatever lingo we profess it by. But with a swift turnaround are quick to throw stones and crucify!

God help and deliver us all!!!

Credits: Bible.com / ThinkTalk

More pondering

Why hate one another so? Or rather, why hate on Donald Trump so?

Would you be glad if someone gave you another chance?

Would we rather be the Good Samaritan or the neighbor who refuses to answer his door when you knocked at 3:00 A.M.?

When you’re in trouble or in need, would you want at least one person coming to your aid?

When everyone wrongfully accuses you, how would you feel if at least one person stands out and up for you?

Could all that happened had been a case of good versus evil and Donald Trump wrestling with spiritual wickedness?!

Ponder on these defying moments for a second.

May there always be a rescuer in our time of need. Let us all pay it forward.

. . .

If you’ve ever been in dire straits you’ll understand Donald Trump’s dilemma. Did I hear you say “he asked for or caused it?”

“He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone!” 

John 8:7b

If you’ve ever been in a place where everyone who was your friend turned against you for no cause or course!

  • A place where everyone and everything lied against you for no cause or course!
  • A place where everything you easily did suddenly became a chore!
  • A place where no-one, including your family, knows you any more – you’ve become a mystery to all
  • A place where your life defies a cause-and-effect scenario.
  • A place where it’s all confusion for one who’s known to be orderly.
  • A place where it’s just you and God!

A place, just you and God, is always a great place to be. It’s a place where all your questions get answered. A place where all doubts are eroded and all negatives are turned to positives. It’s a place where even the prophets dare not to tread and all intelligence, clout, or moolah are silenced. A place where the storms keep still!

Get in there and cry out to Him. He will meet you there and give you solutions that only He can!

Peace!

Real friends: 5 Things They Are And Are Not

I stated in my earlier post, Pyramid of Friendship, that the issue of friends/friendships has been togging at my heart. I’ve had to deal with some folks lately on the issue too. Some things that we assume are no-brainers surprisingly have been loosely handled and often misinterpreted. Friends and friendships fall into one of these things.

. . .

If you have no expectations of someone, you’ll not be disappointed by their actions or inactions. Similarly, defining a relationship as a friendly one, puts some expectations on that friendship. The level of expectation often corresponds to the level of friendship and intimacy. As such, it behooves us to act right and hold each other accountable in the relationship.

I came up with five things that real friends are and are not in a simplified, but dignified, manner.

5 things real friends are not:

  1. Perfect. Just as no-one is perfect, do not expect your friend/s to be. Be gentle but respectful of one another. However, if one is known for hurting the other with their words or actions, then boundaries have to be set and the friendship categorized.
  2. Snitches. No friend snitches on his/her friend. Snitching, in my opinion, stems from jealousy and envy. And a jealous and envious friend is a catastrophe waiting to happen!
  3. Competitive with one another. You compete with yourself to be better; not with your friend. There’s no healthy competition in friendship.
  4. Envious or jealous. See #2 above.
  5. Judging. Friends accept you for who you are. Judging stems from the need to want to have people be like one. This is tantamount to control. Having everyone look, do, talk, or act like me can make the world boring.

Let’s embrace the diversity and uniqueness in each other.

Real friends

  1. Are true to one another. There’s transparency and no holes barred in the relationship.
  2. Tell you the truth that you need to hear or that others are scared to tell you.
  3. Watch your back. This is self-explanatory. Ask yourself, “if my friend was absent, will my response in absentia collaborate with his or hers?” If your answer is “No,” it means you both don’t know each other well enough to be friends. You’re still in the stranger-ally level.
  4. Always know your stand. Similar to #3 above.
  5. Allow you to be yourself in their presence without judging you!

What are your thoughts on this and the 5 things that real friends are and are not? Feel free to share and like the post if you will.

Pyramid of Friendship

I created the above Pyramid of Friendship but had a hard time uploading the file so I did the next best thing I could think of to do; took a photograph of it. If anyone has a better solution for me on how to upload the file, I’d be glad to hear it. Thanks.

. . .

The issue of friends/friendships has been togging on my mind for a while. We call each other friends, but are we really? What does friendship really mean? Who qualifies to be called a/your friend? Is a friend someone who, or barely, knows you? Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice to be thought of as someone’s friend and to have someone to call a friend. But who really is a (or your) friend?

Yes, friendship has to start somewhere. And, if we do not stretch out a “friendship” hand, it will never begin.

Real (or True) Friends share some level of intimacy that they do not share with everyone. Intimacy, according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is the state of familiarity and act of “developing through long association; is of a very personal or private nature where you share intimate secrets, including marked by very close association.”

Here is the detail of my inverted Pyramid of Friendship:

  1. Strangers: they are friends you haven’t met or really don’t know yet. That’s where all friendships begin. This level is broad, accommodates all, and shares zero intimacy. If you get to know each other by introduction; sharing the basic demographics such as name, where you live, and occupation or hobby, you move to the next level
  2. Ally/Acquaintance(Casual): here you have a little bit of information about each other and continue to share more demographics such as whether you’re single or married. The level of intimacy is beginning to develop but both sides are still proceeding with caution. This is where/what I call “checking each other out!”
  3. Social / Social media: Social friends enjoy a common interest that ranges from following one another on the social media, love for something like parties, hiking, food/cooking, having fun together, etc., but are devoid of sharing serious life issues. They don’t want to be involved in the nitty-gritty of one’s life or bogged down with it. They tend to be superficial and care only about the fun times. But life consists of both the good and bad and life happens to all. Social friends are those who would tag one as a “drama” queen/king. When you share a little bit of your real self, you never know which way it might go. In essence, social friends are inconsistent. They befriend you today, but are gone tomorrow. They also are quick to join the bandwagon. Level of intimacy with social/social media friends is 1. They know as much as you share with them on your social media pages or during the fun/partying times.
  4. Associates/Colleagues: We spend a third (or more) of our day at work with these group of friends. These are people we have no choice but to deal with. They know the parts of us that we allow them to see or know. We could tag this part of us our professional side. But they are unaware of our real self. Those we care about move to the next level
  5. Friends (Close friends): these group often have known us for a little longer, or we attended school or college together and still maintain the association or are colleagues we choose to continue with after work hours. At this level, we’ve established some level of trust and probably have come to know another member or more of our families. Level of intimacy is growing and is at 2.
  6. Buddy/Best (or Girl) Friends: friendship has grown in terms of time and depth knowledge of one another. This group has first-hand knowledge of who you really are. They see the side you often don’t show the rest of the world. You also know each other’s families; have common interests, and can call or knock on their doors late at night or early morning without feeling guilty. Intimacy level is 3.
  7. Confidant/Confidante (Intimate friends): The optimal level of friendship is the Confidant/Confidante. It is narrow because only one (and rarely, two) people can hold the position at any time.

Level of Intimacy

The level of intimacy is a five-level measurement (from 0 to 4) of trust, openness, vulnerability, accountability, and availability that one shares in a friendship or relationship. At the Confidant/Confidante level, it is at its peak; 4. Not everyone can attain this level because not everyone can hold up to each measurement of trust, openness, vulnerability or accountability and availability required at this level. At the Buddy/Girlfriend, Intimacy level is 3. You can call or knock on each other’s doors probably till 11 p.m. or from 6:00 a.m. the following day.

At the Confidant/Confidante level, however, your doors and phones are always open to one another.

. . .

We all need someone in each level of the Pyramid in our lives but a Confidant/Confidante is invaluable.

Categorize your friendship

Finally, categorizing your friends/friendships will help avoid heartaches. For example, knowing that my colleague is only that (about workplace) will remove the burden from both of us of expecting more from him/her empathizing about my granny or dog dying. Great if they do; that might score with me and move him/her to my next level of friendship. But if they don’t, I won’t lose sleep nor deem him/her as a bad folk.

Please share your thoughts of this post. Thanks for reading.

Pyramid-of-Friendship was first published on Think-Talk.org

Dating and Checking Each Other Out

I love to see the youngsters in love; I’m talking about the latter millennials/Gen Zs,.

You know how we know and what they do, right? Prior to Covid-19, they talk/text all day and night on the phone, hang out too often, visit one another endlessly, go to movies, visit mutual friends, hardly stay at home anymore, and sometimes they sleep over.

I’m going to my friend’s and will spend the night.” However, they sometimes withhold critical information from their parents. Such information as where they are spending the night, who the friend is, where s/he lives, how they met, who the parents are, etc. You know, the kind of information that gives loving caring parents a peace of mind and that makes them sleep through the night knowing that their son/daughter is safe! Ask questions and the youngsters are quick to snap back, “Mom/Pops, no big deal; we’re just checking each other out or “you’re asking too many questions.”

What does this mean …?

What did you just say – we’re just checking each other out!” In their language, “checking each other out” is not the same as dating. I will call it pre-dating where the two (boy/girl) do all the activities together (and sometimes play house) for a period of time and decide afterwards whether they want to continue on a longer term or not. Mind you, the decision is not about their compatibility or shared values. Well, maybe it is about compatibility but should they spend so much time to do that?

They both can decide to extend the period of “checking each other out,” but the extension doesn’t necessarily equate permanency.

Questions, Questions, Questions.

Who coined this term? And why do our youngsters think it is cool or beneficial?

How many girls/boys do they have to check out before deciding to “buy?” Sorry, I meant, stay put?

Is this “checking each other out” a fad or has this type of dating come to stay?

When did our sons/daughters become items, like a purse or pair of sneakers or jeans/dress/outfit to be “checked out?” And what happens if the item doesn’t fit? You simply return it no questions asked? Aka Nordstrom?Neiman Marcus?

While “checking each other out” and the girl is already sleeping over at the boy’s place and both are “playing house,” what golden incentives are there for either to be taken seriously about relationship commitments?

why does the man have to pay for something he’s getting free?

An African saying to inspire young ladies and deter them from sex before marriage

Are parents over-indulging their youngsters by allowing sleepovers of the opposite sexes?

It bothers me though that the parents don’t ask their guests questions like “does your parent(s) know you’re here?” “How long will you be staying?” “Can I have a relative’s name/phone number in case of an emergency” forgetting that they become responsible, and can be liable, for the guest in their house should there be an incident!

Once I begin my rhetorics with “When we were growing up,” my daughter would respond “yay yay yay Mom that was then, this is now!” Lol Well, growing up, you do not sleepover at your boyfriend’s place. It was unheard of. When you visit, no matter how late, you have to return home. Actually, we had to be home before 10:00 p.m.

Statistics

“Thirty-five percent of teens (ages 13-17) have some experience with romantic relationships, and 19 percent are currently in a relationship. Older teens (ages 15-17) are more likely than younger teens to have experience with romantic relationships.”

– The Office of Population Affairs (OPA)

Among the young adults .., 60 percent were in some type of romantic relationship in their early 20s, with 16 percent married, 17 percent cohabiting, and 27 percent dating.”

What’s your take on this?

Blogging Community, am I being old fashioned? Since America’s adult age is 18, most parents simply hands off their children’s affairs once they turn 18. But, at 18 and 19, they’re still teenagers who really don’t know what they’re doing and still need guidance.

I acknowledge that parents ought to let off the reins and allow their children to mature, but do parents totally hands-off? How about shifting positions to advisor of sorts?

I was happy to find this article which resonates with my thoughts exactly as to what parents/older adults could be do to guide youngsters in relationships. Please check it out.

Should youngsters be “checking each other out” or should they be steered towards cultivating real relationships if they desire to be in one?
Please feel free to comment and/or educate me.

Thanks for reading.

What makes a man marry several women?

Libido? Cupidity? Power (Clout) and Control, Social Status, Shortage of men, or simply because they can and the women allow it?

Your answer is as good as mine.

. . .

Polygamy is the act of marrying multiple spouses, simultaneously or sequentially, without first divorcing the other spouse.

Sociologists have different terms when the man marries multiple wives. The act is called polygyny; and polyandry when the woman marries multiple men.

The term globally used though is polygamy and it is widespread among men; rather than women. This blog prefers the term polygamy to polygyny.

Where is Polygamy Practiced?

While polygamy is illegal in most countries, it is still an act practiced in parts of Africa and Asia.

Polygamy was practiced up till 1993 in France! Click here for a list of countries’ current statuses on polygamy.

Justifications

Religion:

Religious reasons permit men to marry several wives. For example, the Islamic religious tenets permit men to marry a maximum of four wives, with a caveat that they can afford to take care of the women and treat them equally. However, I know tons of moslem men who can’t afford to marry one wife let alone four, but nonetheless indulge in polygamy.

Likewise, I have known devout moslem men, though rare, who married only one wife till death.

What is disturbing though is that Christian men also marry several wives! Granted that the Quran/Koran (Islamic sacred texts) permits the moslem men to engage in polygamous acts, there is nowhere in the Bible where it is written that a man can marry several wives. Some might want to exemplify Solomon or David or Abraham and his sons. Before you do, first, it was not a religious permission; the men chose to do it of themselves, and secondly, that was Old Testament (pre-Christ); and thirdly, please note that God did not sanction their actions.

The Mormon is another religion that allows polygamy.

To avoid mistresses

Some men justify the act of polygamy by claiming that it is better to marry the women rather than hiding to have mistresses outside the home. The sad truth is that the men still have mistresses anyways.

. . .

Another factor is that some women simply like to be “kept” women and be splurged with money and things. The men often pay the women’s rents or mortgages and everything else the women want and need.

Historical reasons

History tells us that men married several women in order to have help on the farm and in their businesses. Such that the children also were put to work prematurely.

Cultural pressures

Certain cultures pressure the man to take on other women for various reasons which include:

  1. if the woman suffers from infertility and is unable to bear children, or
  2. if the woman bears sole sexes (that is, all boys or all girls), or
  3. simply and wickedly to force the woman to succumb to the man’s family pressures to let her know that her in-laws still control the man and/or relegate the woman to an inferior position in her home!

Should the men alone be blamed?

Maybe the onus should be on the women? Why would any woman agree to be number 2, or 5, or infinite? Why would any woman, knowingly, still agree to marry a married man? What makes the woman think that she will be different? It is often a matter of time. Seems once the woman bears the children, the man is out fishing again for a younger or more beautiful woman, and the cycle continues.

. . .

While some younger women marry into polygamy because of wealth or fame, others do so because they believe that their marriageable years have eluded them.

I believe that there is a man for each woman. The gender ratio; that is, the ratio of male to female, according to world records is still insignificant. In 2019, female world data was 49.58%,, compared to 49.97% in 1960!

The above world data link is interactive. To compare the numbers for any given years, simply change the base year (in the picture below, it is 1960) and the comparable year (here it is 2019).

Polygamy is not a positive or progressive lifestyle. There’s a hypocritical living style where everyone claims to be happy, loving, and cordial with one another. The truth however is that none is as happy as they claim and everyone is fighting for the love and attention of the Patriarch who is often the glue holding the family together.

Even with maternal siblings (those who share the same mother), true love often seem to be lost or uncertain. Children are tagged as belonging to (or favored by) one parent rather than both parents. With this stance, the siblings are pitted against one another or against the other parent.

Is there any Derived Benefit(s)?

Frankly, the only beneficiary of polygamy is the man. He gets to have any woman any time he wants. He also tends to put the women on their toes competing for his attention, love, and/or money.

. . .

Seriously, though, there might be some benefits derived from polygamy. I do not however advocate this form of marriage.

A few derived benefits, if true love were possible and exists within the home and its members, are that each member of the family has unique strengths, gifts, and skill sets that can be (or should be) shared and would be beneficial to all. Rather than looking outside, family members can depend on one another for those resources they would otherwise pay for. Bottomline, there’s ample help to go round.

Downside of Polygamy

I sincerely believe that men who indulge in polygamy are inconsiderate and can be described as both selfish or self-centered as they only live to satisfy their libido regardless of the feelings of their wives or children. They are unable to love the women equally or unconditionally. It is a loveless full house! They also are ignorant of the possibilities of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). The children become their mothers’ responsibilities as they do not have the full attention of their dad. Unfortunately, the mothers find themselves becoming “forced” single parents as they, not both parents, are responsible for the upkeep of their children.

There’s chaos where the man, wives, and children all live under the same roof. I often wonder about the sleeping arrangements and who gets to sleep with the man daily. Would it be on a rotation-basis? Or would it solely be the youngest wife? Again, your guess is as good as mine.

There’s also immense and unhealthy competition among the wives and the children. Should one woman’s child or children succeed (or be more successful), the other wives and children become jealous and envious. This often leads to the Joseph-saga (in the Bible where Joseph who was loved by their dad became the envy of his siblings. They plotted to sell him as a slave and lied to their dad that an animal killed him – some of us will remember the story and its ending). Some households resort to occultism and fetishes against one another. This is barbaric.

In addition, the first wife, who often is the oldest woman, sadly has to live in silence watching her husband daily exhibits his machoism with the younger women. What mental torture!

Many homes have been split (if not destroyed) on the demise of the patriarch of the family.

Final word

Whatever the reason(s) men choose to marry several women, or women choose to marry an already-married man, just as technology presently is to the world and is still evolving, the idea (or act) of polygamy is archaic should be eradicated in this modern world and its future.

Women should resist the urge to be second or nth fiddle, as well as the pressure to marry an “already-married” man. Don’t give up ladies, your man will surely come. No marriage is without continuous work. There is a saying that goes, “one wife, one trouble!” Marrying multiple wives therefore equates multiple trouble irrespective of the family front that appears in public.

Men ought to know how to love and love well. There are abundant resources to help those who need the help. Love is a continuous work.

Women are better off marrying monogamously than polygamously; just pray that the right man seeks you out.

Men, on the other hand, should do their part to curb their libido and control their appetite for more. Resist the urge to jump in-and-out of love and beds!

My two cents. Thanks for reading.

Feel free to comment below and share.

Fair Fighting Rules for Relationships

Written by Dr. Eric Perry Image Credit: Pixabay “An eye for an eye will only make the world blind” ~Mahatma Gandhi Arguments and relationships go …

Fair Fighting Rules for Relationships

I’m sharing Dr. Eric Perry’s blog on Fair Fighting Rules for Relationships. Click on the above link to read it.

The Rules are shared with couples mostly during relationship counseling sessions. I believe that Dr. Perry is a Clinical Psychologist. Check his website out and follow him.

I recommend these Rules for all relationships; whether you’re still dating each other (best time to learn the rules!) or newly-weds or even had some years in marriage.

. . .

Have you ever walked in to a home where the couples were yelling at each other? Worst still, calling each other names? And you stare, eyes wide, not knowing what to do? Loving couples are not supposed to do certain things, right? Or maybe I belong to another planet but can’t help myself sharing life on planet Earth.

. . .

Husband: “You never listen to me?!

Wife: “You never allow me to talk?!”

Husband: “You did the same thing last month.”

Wife: “Yes, because you did it first!

Husband: “You’re always competing with me!

Wife: “Shame on you for saying that! Who did I marry?

As the guest, what do you do? Walk back out the door? At least the rantings paused for someone to answer the door. They knew you were coming and you would have expected that they would at least delay the quarrel. But, no, none will budge.

The above rantings are not uncommon in households. But those rantings should be missing in loving homes.

There’s often an underlying problem that needs immediate attention. But some folks prefer to sweep issues under the rug hoping that it will quietly fade away. To this I always say that “it has a way of rearing its ugly head when you least expect it.” And a relationship that has both overt and covert personalities should find a middle ground very early in the relationship to avoid the above kind of rantings. Dr. Eric Perry’s Rules should help.

. . .

Love should not resort to name-calling or try to suppress or oppress the other’s voice or personhood. And, there should be freedom and mutual respect in a relationship.

Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 

2 Corinthians 3:17

All relationships should have Rules and boundaries. Set yours today.

✌🏽😊

If men only knew … 5 Things men ought to know

If only men knew the gift of God that He gave them, men would handle their wives with utmost care and treat them as precious jewels.

Out of the bones of Adam (Genesis 2:21-23), Eve, the mother of all living (Genesis 20:3), was formed. And His Word said, “…, ye husbands, dwell with them (your wives) according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” (1 Peter 3:7)

That your prayers be not hindered!

Dictionary.com https://www.dictionary.com/browse/hinder provides the definition of: ‘hinder’ as: ‘to cause delay, interruption, or difficulty in; hamper; impede:

In case you still do not understand, God says that if you call on Him, when you’re being (or have been) mean to, or have manhandled, or abused (in any way, shape, or form; i.e., emotional, physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, etc; your wife, He might not answer you quickly!

Why men, or anyone for that natter, would want to go through hindered prayers beats me.

. . .

Do men not know?

It bothers me to know, or hear, that men hit their wives, cheat on them, lie, or engage in idle chatter about them, and worse yet, relegate their wives while loving and placing everyone else above her.

  • Don’t they know that charity begins from home?
  • Don’t they know that both man and wife have become one in the eyes of God, despite that your family members or the public are trying to separate both of you?
  • Don’t they know that whatever ill men do or send their wives’ way, comes back to them; sometimes even much more?
  • Don’t they also know that even if the wife doesn’t say anything and tolerate the “abuse” for the sake of the children and keeping the family together, that God, Jehovah El Roi, sees it all and will avenge on her behalf?
  • Don’t men know that criticizing their wives publicly shows much more the kind of men they are?!!!

It’s a spiritual principle

Even men’s parents ought to take second place after their wives. This is a hard pill for many immature men to swallow. “What? The one who gave birth to me now takes second place?! No way!” Before you stone the messenger; God also said this : “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife” (Mark 10:7, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7. Ephesians 5:31).

How I have heard rumblings and offenses at this specific God’s Word! Have men ever wondered, or even asked the Author, why He put this verse in His Book? Only the wise man would stop to think and ask.

. . .

I once was a Mary Kay Cosmetics consultant. Mary Kay Ash was the founder of beauty products established primarily to help women make some income while still maintaining their homes/families. Her business was based on a principle that God is first, family second, and everything/everyone else third (or last). She touted this principle to her beauty consultants stating that if they followed it, they were sure to excel. At the time, I didn’t have a relationship with Father God; only knew Him as someone up there. That has since changed and I haven’t deviated from the valuable principle since knowing Him.

. . .

I said that to implore men to follow this same principle because they are the head (of the house/family) from which the oil flows.

Men, your wives are your help mate to be cherished. Treat your wife like your queen. You are the head and king of your domain and your wife is your partner (or as I normally say, the neck). If the head tries to make a wrong turn, the neck steers it back or becomes stiff forcing the head back to its normal position!

Men, please love your wives “…, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” (Ephesians 5:25). As you do, you will enjoy the favor of God and man, you’ll be blessed going out and coming in, and your children will honor you because, to your son, you reflect the man they aspire to be, and of how they would treat their own wives; and for your daughters, you will be the yardstick they use to measure men or their own husbands.

5 things Men ought to know

Men ought to:

1. Love their wives unconditionally. Charity begins from home. God says “two have become one.” Loving her is loving yourself. I haven’t met anyone who hates himself. In fact, God says, “love her as Jesus loves the church and gave his life for it!”

2. Treat their wives like queens. Because ”two have become one,” men, you are the heads and kings of your domains and your wives are your partners (or as I normally say, the necks). If the head tries to make a wrong turn, the neck steers it back or becomes stiff forcing the head back to its normal position!

3. Listen to their wives. Women have been naturally wired with instincts and intuition. They just know things. Men (and the family) would benefit greatly if they first consult with, and listen to, their wives. As an example, God told Abraham to listen to Sarah when she asked that Hagar be sent away (Genesis 21:12).

4. Cover their wives. Wise men know how to do this. But for those who don’t, it simply means that you do not embarrass your wife intentionally or otherwise, especially publicly. Even when she is the cause of the embarrassment, it’s wisdom to cover her than causing her shame or more embarrassment.

5. Cherish her and help with the chores.

  1. Let her know that she’s the most important person in your life; not your mom. Your wife is the one who shares bed with you and cooks your meals; not your mom. Your wife is also the first point of call should there be, God forbid, an accident; not your mom! If your mom is more important, maybe you’re not ready for marriage. Ouch, that’s cold. But, sorry men, you need to hear it since your wife couldn’t tell you. I’m not disrespecting mothers, I’m one too. There’s a reason you married your wife and not your mom; never forget that reason;
  2. Know your wife’s primary love language and demonstrate such to her. Men, you (or both of you) will be frustrated if you keep buying her stuff when all she wants is to spend quality time with you or vice versa. Giving and receiving the right kind of love improves the aura of the home/family.
  3. Skip outings just to spend time together or just for her to rest and recharge her energy.
  4. If you have kids, take the kids out so she can rest.

Men, now that you know, please do the right thing to, and with, your wife if you haven’t already been doing so.

Thanks for reading.

Stay blessed!

Help, Lord!

Bible in One Year 2020 with Nicky Gumbel – Day 203 – Devotional

Sharing the Devotional from the Bible in One Year 2020. To read more and read daily, click this url https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/17704/day/203?segment=0

One of my most frequent prayers is ‘Help!’ It is also one of the most common prayers in the Bible. It is a prayer you can pray every day, in any and every situation. You can cry out to the Lord for help. God’s desire is for you to have a relationship with Him that is real and from the heart.

Psalm 88:9b-18

Help in broken relationships

Rejection is always hurtful – especially when it comes from someone you love or someone very close to you. Broken relationships are painful – particularly when we feel we have been ‘dumped’ by a ‘lover’, a ‘neighbour’ or a close friend. The psalmist feels that since ‘lover and neighbour alike dump me; the only friend I have left is Darkness’ (v.18, MSG).

He says, ‘For as long as I remember I’ve been hurting’ (v.15, MSG). The situation seems like one of utter hopelessness: darkness (v.12), feeling rejected by God (v.14), affliction (v.15a), terror and despair (v.15b). ‘I’m bleeding, black-and-blue… I’m nearly dead’ (v.17, MSG).

Yet there is one note of hope. The hope comes from the fact that, in the midst of all this, he chooses to start each day by crying out to God: ‘I call to you, O Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you’ (v.9b).

Perhaps today you’re struggling with a relationship: in your marriage, workplace, church or with a close friend. However bad your situation may seem, there is always hope if you cry out to the Lord for help.

‘I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you’ (v.13). O Lord, I spread out my hands to you. I ask you for help…

Psalm 88:13

. . .

May God help us all in our time(s) of need when we sincerely cry out to Him. He will never let us down.

Love and Love Languages

How do you love yourself or allow yourself to be loved? Are you the flower person, chocolates, wine and dine, just-hold-my-hands kind of person? Or do you prefer the long (phone/face-to-face) conversations? Whatever your preference, wouldn’t you like your significant other to know, or you knowing your children’s; if you have any?

Wouldn’t you also like to know the type of love your relationship (or marriage) is exhibiting?

Well, if you already don’t know, we all speak various love languages. These languages often can be misconstrued. Knowing the different types of love and love languages can set relationships straight.

. . .

Biblically, there are four types of love. Jack Zavada writes about Eros, Storge, Philia, and Agape in his article. Click here to read more https://www.thoughtco.com/types-of-love-in-the-bible-700177.

Agape is the highest form of love. It’s the God-kind of Love which we all should aspire to.

. . .

Psychologically, there are seven types of Love. Neel Burton M.D. adds three more to the biblical types. I learned something as these three are all new to me. To read them, please click here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love.

Did you learn something new as well? Yes or No, please comment below.

There’s however an eighth kind that I’ll like to add.

Mania (obsessive/excessive) love. This kind of love can manifest in the other seven, maybe six (excluding Agape) if not checked.

Love Languages

Love has a language. They are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

Speaking the wrong language is akin to someone speaking Swahili to a Greek. Result is chaos, (love) clutter, and reciprocity failure. It is important to know one’s love language as well as one’s spouse, children, and/or close friends.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, “it helps strengthen relationships … as different people with different personalities express love in different ways.

Interested in finding out your love language, click here [https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/]. Each of us have a primary (dominant) language. We can also have a secondary (recessive) language as well as multiple love languages.

Have fun discovering your love language. And should you feel like sharing, do so in the Reply/Comments below.